Won't You be my Hero Baby?

“Don’t be a Hero”, Jim, a union leader, would be yelling to the small and kind of sad looking crowd gathered around him. This was the number one rule in political canvassing. Of course it related mostly to large dogs, beware of owner signs, and houses that looked like they had landed on the wicked witch of the west. As mentioned in the last speculation, one must always have your running shoes ready in order to escape angry republicans or the occasional hostile laid off worker. The run away as fast as you can policy goes hand in hand with our don’t be a hero rule.

Today’s speculation; Does the don’t be a hero law go against everything we have been taught or in today’s society its that really what life has come to?

I am sure that you can vividly remember the hero’s of your childhood. Whether it was the Power Rangers, a Disney prince, GI Joe, or Wonder Women; we all admired at least one. All of these characters taught us to stand up for our values and for other people. Hell, there was even a hero for the environment, Captain Planet. Every night popular sitcoms would feature an everyday hero standing up to a bully in some capacity or another. And one of adult’s all-time favorite question for kids was always, “who is your hero?”

When did we start saying, “Don’t be a hero”? Today it seems the closest thing to hero’s in the media is Guitar Hero. Nowadays we have TV shows like “What Would You Do?” where they actually test to see if people will step up in the face of injustice and be a hero. In today’s society it’s unsafe to help someone in need on the side of the road and its more likely to see someone sue another person than stand up to them. Where have all of our hero’s gone? Maybe I just can’t recognize them without their capes on.

In my search to define a hero for today’s generation I stumbled upon a website called the hero project dedicated to sharing the stories of heroes everywhere using media and technology to celebrate the best of humanity and empower young people to realize their realize their own potential to effect positive change in the world. To read some of the stories, visit http://myhero.com/go/home.asp

And for all of those unsung and unrecognized hero’s in my life as well all of my readers, a nauseating song dedication. Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler.

Who’s Who in the World of Politics

Often times I knew I must share my speculations at the Teachers Union with you. While standing in front of a stranger’s doors, I held my breath wondering if I would be greeted by an angry dog or attacked by an unruly citizen. I struggled though the job mostly for money but partly because I knew it would be fairly entertaining to write about.

As mentioned previously, after the Bistro came to a close I took a job working as a political organizer for the Rhode Island Federation of Teachers. However horrible the job was, I did walk away with 6 new friends and countless humorous anecdotes. I will begin my speculations at the Union by analyzing the types of folks I would encounter while attempting to sway political votes towards the unions endorsed candidates. I can sum up the hundreds of people I visited into seven different categories.

The Uninformed: “Hello my name is Erica, I am here on behalf of the Rhode Island afl-cio….”, I say. “The what?”, they say. “The AFL-CIO!” I say. “What’s that”, they ask. “YOUR UNION?!” I reply. No, they claim they are not in a union. “Are you sure your aren’t in a union because it says here that you are a nurse at a nursing home? “ I implore. “Yes”, they reply, now concerned that I know so much about them. But still no, they claim they are not in a union. They then ask defensively how I know where they work and the whole situation starts over, “Because I am here on behalf of your union!” This is like one of those pick your own endings books, except it only brings me back to the beginning. “Ok well I’ll just leave this information with you anyways”, I say.

The Stop and Shop Worker: “Hi, I am here on behalf of blah blah blah… do you happen to know who you will be voting for in this upcoming election yet?” I ask. The Stop and shop worker says, “Oh I don’t do that kind of thing.” Dumfounded my only response is, “what kind of thing? Voting?”

The Angry Republican Husband: “Hi, I am here on behalf of blah blah blah…” I begin. His response, “The democrats have held power too long, it’s those power hungry unions are corrupting the state. I WILL NOT BE VOTING FOR SO AND SO!” Me, “oh ok well I actually think I was supposed to be talking to your wife a registered democrat and union member, can you just give this to her?” (Now, proceed to run away as quick as possible!)

The Over Enthusiastic Civil Servant: “Of course I will vote for so and so, I have been a long time friend and supporter and I appreciate you going out and campaigning for so and so. It is so great to see young people involved and concerned”, they say. Little did they know I only did it for a paycheck and happen to despise politics. ”Please come inside, would you like something to eat? Something to drink?” they ask. I am not sure how they don’t think this is creepy but I then run away almost as fast as I did from the angry republican.

The Overly Harassed: Sign on door reads….”You ring my bell, you loose my vote.”

The Not so Friendly Neighbor: I only begin to say, “Hello…” when they cut me off “no thanks”. This encounter usually ends by the door slamming in my face.

And finally,

The Passively Polite: After my spiel, they politely say, “Thank you, but they do not know who they are voting for yet”. Translated this means that they are not voting for the person I am talking about and it is none of my business asking who they are voting for!

As portrayed in today’s entry as well as most of the other entries; no matter where you work, the people you encounter are sure to keep you entertained.

Evidence of Waitresses Past

Pulling out the wadded up ball of black cloth from underneath my car seat, I begin swearing as things are falling everywhere. I then decide to empty the pockets of this wrinkly mess formally known as my waitressing apron. While folding it methodically I remember all of the excitement of the season and sigh deeply.

Back in high school the students completed an art project called “Evidence”. Students laid objects in front of them drawing them in a fashion that could conclude an interesting or comedic event. Since the objects I found in my apron probably could not depict an interesting event at least it is comedic. For those that still do not understand the concept of evidence artwork you might want to relate the idea to needing evidence after a night of heavy drinking, or perhaps a slight bout of amnesia. I pulled out the objects found in these pockets and laid them out on my bed much like in the drawings. What evidence of good times was found in the pockets; what memories could be evoked? This process accidentally brought to mind another speculation…what does your junk say about you? This then motivated me to clean my room quite furiously.

Evidence of a waitress:

1 bottle opener: I am glad I found this, as it is most useful in an unemployed person’s life. When in doubt, drink more wine and in these days of transition, I have a lot of doubt.

1 worn out black pen: Eh, this I could give or take but the mystery remains, why is there only one? Though I was never involved in one of the brawls, there can be quite brutal fights over pens that can’t seem to remain faithful to their owners.

1 list in Karleen’s hand writing that reads: “Candles in front room-back room, Salt + Pepper shakers, Sugars are lumpy!” I am not taking creative liberty there is an exclamation point at the end of sugars are lumpy!

1 silly band in an unidentifiable shape: Emma no doubt had given it to me, these commonly spiced up a waitresses traditional black shirt routine, however, completely look ridiculous when wearing a cocktail dress.

A few nonsensical bits of trash: I really can’t come up with something witty to write about this other than I should have taken them it of my bed spread as fast as possible.

1 Package of sunflower seeds: Giant gray striped sunflowers to be precise. On the back of the package in Microsoft Word’s best attempt at calligraphy, it reads “Mr. and Mrs. Mark and Sarah XXXXX (censored for privacy) Table #20. The sunflower promises power, warmth and nourishment-all attributes of the sun itself. Every garden should at least have one.” This was a seating card at a wedding reception held at the restaurant. What is that crap about the sunflower? That’s not sentimental at all! It should have said something like. “ The sunflower is forever turning in the light of the sun. May you find yourself always turning to the light of love, today as we celebrate so-and-so’s wedding and every day there after.”

Alas, this strange array of objects littering my bedspread has reminded me good times in nights past, however, those nights of hectic chaos, music, smell of calamari and have been replaced by knocking on doors, endless lists, letters and phone calls. My temporary position at the Rhode Island Federation of Teachers was in no way a suitable replacement for working in a fast paced environment with friends you have known for years…

Coming up, the six people you will meet while political canvassing for the union.

Active Listening

Flashback to those really terrible infomercials about the bionic ear; that contraption that helps you hear better… you know the one where you think…. wait a’ minute, this sounds familiar, we already have a contraption that does this, its called a hearing aid!

There is a phenomenon that I have begun to learn about that is even better than the bionic ear, it’s called the bartender’s ear! Watch what you say anywhere in the restaurant because Ron or Karen are most likely going to heckle you about it when you walk by next time. I can always remember Ron making fun of things that I didn’t realize he heard me say. I didn’t think much of this until my third year working at the bistro; yea I am not very quick.

I happened upon this epiphany, one day when I was parading around the restaurant refilling the candles. I had gotten in a disagreement with Ted, server and graduate student at Providence college, about a candleholder that seemed to have exploded. Ted, not being able to let anything go, was trailing me around the restaurant pursuing this somewhat meaningless argument. Across the restaurant Ted exclaimed, “"I don’t know everything.... that's the ONE thing I don’t Know." On one hand I am sure there is a whole other blog to be written about that statement however let’s focus on the speculation at hand. Across the room and behind the bar Karen had caught my eye as she stifled her laughter, this seems to be a regular occurrence, but more importantly this seems to be an audio miracle.

Super Sonic hearing has resulted from standing behind the bar for far too long! As Karen was explaining this sensation to me, customers seated in the middle of the front room started having a conversation with her about teaching. I was elated; I too had developed supersonic hearing! I thought this up until the moment I realized the entire restaurant was now staring at us yelling across the restaurant.

There are many great advantages to having super sonic bartender ears, for instance; you can hear secret recopies, steal identities, know your freinemies, and over all entertain yourself while bored. However, as there is with every great super power there are certainly drawbacks and great responsibilities; hearing people’s health problems described much too graphically, additional responsibility to stop the forces of evil and don’t forget frequent ear aches.

So bartenders, protect those puppies and please use responsibly. Potential follow up? An interview with the bartender; simply just supersonic hearing or true superhero? Bartending the next great super power, saving you from bad dates, boring theatre or simply saving you from a bad day.

Life's a Cabaret!

What is a cabaret you ask? According to Wikipedia “Cabaret is a form of entertainment featuring comedy, song, dance, and theatre, distinguished mainly by the performance venue—a restaurant or nightclub with a stage for performances and the audience sitting at tables (often dining or drinking)." Of course the drinking is the most important factor especially when listing to a song called, “A Punk Rocker Named Joe” or “Taylor the Latte Boy”.

Each weekend as I watched cabaret from my back stage view and witnessed all of the excitement that goes along with it, I began to speculate. From my view I can see the hustle and bustle of the wait staff, the musicians with scores of music, and of course the most entertaining to watch the audience’s reaction. Here at Bistro By the Sea, we add a little twist to cabaret; sexual antidotes and inappropriate jokes are sprinkled in amongst the musical numbers by our very amusing and completely fabulous host, Sabrina Blaze.

Don’t you ever have the feeling that your life could be a musical? No? Really?! I am sure that you have had the feeling at least once that your life should be a musical, or have background music or at least a drag queen narrator! With all of the eccentricities of life I have decided to compile a list of songs that could describe the cabaret of life. Disclaimer: this cabaret set list is strictly based on song titles, not necessarily lyrics. This list is also biased, since it is written from a woman’s point of view. Represented here are the trials and tribulations of love, dreams, heartbreak, working hard and hardly working.

1. This Is The Life - Golden Boy
2. Circle of Life- The Lion King
3. Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin' - Oklahoma
4. Any Dream Will Do- Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
5. Be True to Your School by the Beach Boys (Ok I know this isn’t a show tune, but we had to throw in some songs about school)
6. A Wonderful Guy - South Pacific
7. I've Never Been In Love Before- Guys and Dolls
8. Guys and Dolls - Guys and Dolls
9. I Get a Kick Out of You - Anything Goes
10. Ya Got Trouble- The Music Man-
11. Knowing When To Leave - Promises, Promises
12. Tomorrow- Annie
13. A Lot of Livin' To Do - Bye Bye Birdie
14. Put on a Happy Face - Bye Bye Birdie
15. Come What May- 'Moulin Rouge'
16. On My Own- Les Miserables
17. The Impossible Dream-The Man From La Mancha
18. Sit Down You're Rockin' The Boat - Guys and Dolls
19. Anything Goes - Anything Goes
20. I Enjoy Being A Girl - Flower Drum Song
21. My Favorite Things - The Sound of Music
22. How the Money Changes Hands - Tenderloin
23. I Wish I Could Go Back To College-Avenue Q
24. A Little Bit in Love - Wonderful Town
25. Taking a Chance on Love - Cabin in the Sky
26. I Believe in You - How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
27. The Rhythm of Life - Sweet Charity
28. Baby, Dream Your Dream - Sweet Charity
29. Big Spender - Sweet Charity
30. If My Friends Could See Me Now - Sweet Charity
31. There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This - Sweet Charity
32. You've Got Possibilities - It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Superman
33. I'll Never Fall in Love Again - Promises, Promises
34. No Man Is Worth It - Dance A Little Closer
35. Do What You Want to Do - Cabin in the Sky
36. You Don't Have to Do It for Me - Minnie's Boys
37. There Are Worse Things I Could Do - Grease
38. I Only Wanna Laugh - Jimmy
39. Nobody Does It Like Me - Seesaw
40. Tap Your Troubles Away - Mack & Mabel
41. Time Heals Everything - Mack & Mabel
42. And The Money Kept Rolling In (And Out) - Evita
43. We're Almost There - The Grand Tour
44. The Grass Is Always Greener - Woman of the Year
45. I Want It All - Baby
46. I Am What I Am - La Cage Aux Folles
47. Who Will Love Me as I Am? - Side Show
48. Seasons of Love - Rent
49. The Best of Times - La Cage Aux Folles
50. I Got Love - Purlie
51. Getting Married Today - Company
52. I Will Never Leave You - Side Show
53. You Can Always Count on Me - City of Angels
54. I Will Never Leave You - Side Show
55. The American Dream - Miss Saigon
56. Children Will Listen - Into The Woods
57. The Rhythm of Life - Sweet Charity
58. Getting Tall -Nine
59. I Can Cook Too - On The Town
60. When The Children Are Asleep- Carousel
61. Here's to Us - Little Me
62. Dancing Through Life- Wicked
63. You Can't Stop The Beat- Hairspray
64. Don't Rain on My Parade - Funny Girl
65. The Bitch Of Living - Spring Awakening
66. So Long, Farewell- Sound of Music

Our Sheroes and their Power Horns: Connecting with the Goddess within.

Each year at the Bistro our female staffers all come together before dinner service and do each other’s hair up into “power horns”. I am not sure of the exact origin of power horns, they are potentially just a joke about one of our server’s choice of hair-do. It is also a possibility that server Michelle shared her wisdom of this power horn hairstyle and everyone else needed to replicate it!

The best attribute of power horns is that they all take on their own unique personality, each never failing to make you laugh. This year I observed the power horns being molded, hair sprayed, and things being shoved in them such as straws and flowers. If you can imagine a restaurant full of people who look a little bit like mini mouse you could begin to imagine the hilarity and awesomeness of power horns.

Power Horns. Power Horns! You can’t even say it without feeling a sense of strength and confidence. There is something special about this idea. I once read that the true power of women is that we have within us the power to change the world. For years and years Women determined the course of events in history and the shape of human culture, however through various vehicles our sheroes were edited out history and culture. Our societies have crippled from the omission of this information and the harm of sexism was greatly compounded by these silences.

Women have often times been relegated to the footnotes of history, one needs a global and introspective perspective in order to reconstruct the female dimensions of human experience and achievement. There is far more to the history of women than Queen Elizabeth, Susan B Anthony and Sacajawea. From culture to culture the role of women takes on a special and powerful role which often does not rely on institutionalize power but on recognized personal power.

In my lifetime I have been blessed enough to realize all of the powerful and giving sheroes that I am constantly surrounded by. In my speculations I have come to the revelation that the power of the female comes from love, a deep seeded love and ability to give herself to those she devotes her life to. Each of the women at the Bistro have been Sheroes to me, molding my life according to their wisdom. Each have channeled an incredible unique strength through their power horns; whether it be the forever giving motherly strength of Karleen, or the creative strength of Karen and Kim, or the kind and gentle strength of Karen and Tara, the understanding strength of Ashely or even the sassy and wise strength of Michelle. Each of these phenomenal women have shared many stories and qualities with me that I hope one day you may have the privilege to experience as well.

Whether we gain our strength from our power horns or our mothers, our power is apparent. I hope that I too can be a shero for generations of young women just as the women at the Bistro by the Sea have done for me.

A few good Quotes about women:

From a Strong Women who shares one my strengths:

"I'm a witch woman- high on tobacco and holy water. I'm a woman delighted with her disasters. They give me something to do. A profession of sorts...I have the magic of words. The power to charm and kill at will." -Sandra Cisneros

Shakespeare said, “Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.”

Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses. ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond

“Beloved, you are my sister, you are my daughter, you are my face; you are me.” –Toni Morrison

Can I have a table with a view?

“Can I have a table with a view?” is a question that leaves me dumbfounded each time it is squawked at me. I am sorry, what exactly would you like a view off? This is Bistro BY the Sea not Bistro ON the Sea If you would like an ocean view you need to walk through the woods about a quarter of a mile. This is not a hotel; you cannot request an ocean view or view of the pool, and sometimes if you aren’t willing to cough up the extra cash you are going to get that hotel room with the view of the air duct on the roof. This poses a speculation for a future time, should I accept bribes to upgrade tables? If it happens with hotel rooms, why not tables?

It never occurred to me when dining out, to ask to be move tables. Usually I am more concerned about eating delicious food than where I am doing it. However, in my time at the Bistro I have learned that more people than I realized are more neurotic than I could have imagined.

As hostess, this complex job of when to tell people they cannot move, how to do it or how to interpret where it is they would like to sit, is probably the hardest part of the job. Bartender, Karen does not make it any easier as she is constantly laughing at me while women reprimand me, saying, “a 45th wedding anniversary deserves more than a table in the middle of the room!”

First lets review the assortment of things that patrons ask for when choosing a location to sit in.

It is important to keep in mind when you start moving people it upsets; servers, who loose tips when they loose customers; patrons, who you just gave away the seat they have sat in for 30 years; and most importantly Karleen, who has to hear all of the BS from both parties. The number one hostess rule is, it is always easier to say no than to move someone. Often times when a pair comes into the restaurant and I ask for their reservation then proceed to scan my list and chart finding where it is we have placed them this evening. I then hear someone ask the other where he or she would like to sit. Mind you I never gave them a choice of wear to sit.

How to react if you were Erica:

If they word the question while standing at the door, “can we have…” or “is it possible to get…” My response is “actually tonight I have you (insert location) but next time when you make the reservation just let me know where it is you would like to sit.” If the patron begins the “question” with “No! I reserved this table..” or “I always sit here…” then this when I fold like the cowardly lion and scurry to find another table. Remember the old folks may be feisty and may not be up to date with proper safety vaccines, so don’t forget to practice your cardio.

When people ask for a booth, it is an straight forward “No, not unless you put your name on the waiting list for one of the regulars to croak.” The job becomes slightly more tricky when patrons begin creating their own Bistro lingo. It can become tasking translating exactly where the patron would like to sit everynight. Sometimes they ask to sit in the main dining room, the quite room, the room with the view, in the lounge area, in the warm room, or in the bistro! What? Where are all these rooms? We have two rooms a front and a back. And yes, the back room serves the same food as the front!

A few of my favorite reactions after showing people their table:

• Said with look of disgust, “Is someone going to be playing that piano during dinner?”
• Said with similar look of distain, “Is this the best table you have?”
• Said with look of slight anger, “ But I made a reservation!”
• Said with a look of stupidity, “Can we sit closer to the windows?”
• To which my response was, “Sir, you are a party of four; those tables in front of you seat eight, those tables to your right seat two…”
• The table comedian says, “So if we find four friends we can sit closer to the window?”
• Me, “Sure when you have found four friends, come talk to me.”

The moral of the story is, sit where the restaurant wants you to sit, if you are a pain, you will be moved to a worse table. If you need a view of a few bushes you need to invest some time in either finding a new dinner partner or reviewing a book on making conversation. And finally, please do not ask me to close the blinds; you are ruining the view that we have worked so hard to let everyone enjoy!

Ambient Light

Here at Bistro by the Sea each table is adorned with a white tablecloth, white bread plate, white linens and the appropriate silverware. It also holds one saltshaker and one pepper. The finishing touch is a small candle with a little bit of sand and sea shells in the bottom, nothing fancy but elegant just the same.

As hostess it is my job to light, refill, and clean these candles; I have been taught to treat them as my own. With as much love as I have for these candles on the scale of “FU” to “terribly important” I would mentally file it as “seriously?”

If your candle is missing from the table or happens to extinguished itself please don’t fret. I feel if you need an almost microscopic flame to set the mood for you at dinner, you should seek marital counseling. If you are not dining with your significant other, then why are you complaining? Do you think its more important than receiving your drinks or food? Do you think I carry a lighter in my non-existent pockets? Perhaps in my cleavage? Maybe you think I am talented enough to light your candle as well as balance 8 drinks in my other hand? I am begging you what difference does this 3 inch jar make?

I would also like to clarify they are just candles. It is not a terrarium and I know this because I filled them myself. Really, it’s seashells, sand and a candle. Why are you fighting with me about this? No, it is not a lantern; I have already review the components with you. Also if you would like to have the fan on, then you are not allowed to complain about your candle not being lit. The physics of waves prove that it will not stay lit in the presence of high winds. Now you are just contradicting yourself.

Having this candle on your table does not make your dinner taste better, it will not help you read the menu, it wont keep you warm at night and it won’t make your partner look better. If you want to stare at fire all night go to waterfire!

Dear Mr. Metrosexual Male,

Hello very attractive and well dressed patron who only comes in twice a summer. How have you been? Did you notice my look of surprise when you walked in?

We have already gone over the fact that Theatre by the Sea isn’t exactly the best place to pick up the eligible bachelors, so why do you insist on dangling your smashing good looks over your questionable sexuality. Old men and homosexuals are the regulars here so my only saviors are the Meterosexuals; a small glimmer of hope that they might be straight. A metrosexual is loosely defined as a man living in a post industrial, capitalist culture who has a strong concern for his appearances or lifestyle which is typically associated with the homosexual male, although he is heterosexual.

You walk in here with your neatly groomed face, plucked eyebrows, gelled hair, chiseled chest and whitened teeth just to make me swoon. You are a rare urban, sophisticated man who is fashionable and well-groomed…please be straight, never mind single!

“You would like the best seat in the house to see our drag queen host cabaret at a musical theatre?” Ok I get it, I have no hope. Back to the drawing board.

xoxo

Hoping for better luck next time,

Erica

Thank You for Smoking

In 1556 the fashion-forward French become the first Europeans to smoke tobacco and by 1940 American adults smoked more than 2,558 cigarettes a year. Taking a turn in the right direction it only took till 1966 before the surgeon general started putting warnings on cigarette packages in the United States.

Now a’ days there are only about two things in the information age that people still don’t like to admit to; smoking and tax evasion. Filthy or Fashionable? Perceptions of smoking has changed and fluxed at many times throughout the turn of the century. We went from Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man to hiding in a corner, cigarette break area’s, and no smoking signs.

In the satire ‘Thank You for Smoking’, the big tobacco company tries to say we need Hollywood to put the sex back into cigarettes. Camel in 1955 said "It's a psychological fact: Pleasure helps your disposition." Well…find a man, not a cigarette! Stepping outside of the front door, sliding a foot to the left and lighting up is not going to protect me from catching your cancer! Every night there are at least three patrons who cannot last an entire meal without smoking. As they step outside they are almost close enough to ask me if I would like a drag. I could get the shakes from the amount of nicotine that wafts in here with your second hand smoke.

And Mr. Marlboro Man, just because you have a new fancy electronic cigarette to match your new fancy electronic touch screen, does not mean it does not still reek! I am not trying to get in the way of your chain-smoking habits, after all Juleps said, "New miracle mint in Juleps freshens the mouth at every puff. Even if you chain-smoke, your mouth feels clean, sparkling all day long", I just would like you to move farther away from the restaurant! Contrary to popular belief I do not want my face to turn as yellow as your fingernails and if I wanted to be addicted to something I would drink more coffee.

Yet there is still hope for my smoking folks; after all, the number one killer in America is still cholesterol. So please continue to puff the magic dragon, a cigarette, cigar or what have you, just would you please kindly step further away from the door? Thank you, I would be much obliged.

Booze-a-scopes: What your drink says about you!

Do you ever wonder why you sit down at the bar and suddenly everyone appears or disappears? Well, first things first if you are not a generally unattractive person, you should then check to see if you smell bad. Secondly you should check your ensemble for unusual sluty-ness or scrubby-ness. No? Ok, maybe it’s your drink; what is it saying? Just like clothes a drink can say a lot about you. To help you out the Bistro staff has compiled a list of a few different conventions to follow.

When one orders a tequila shot, there are a number of very strong statements you are making. “I do not want to remember my questionable motives, morals, and actions.” Or “my clothes are not going to take themselves off.” Speaking to that note, I have never see a tequila shot ordered at the bar during dinner. Most likely in our case it is because our patrons already are on the verge of not remembering what they have just ate never mind their morals or motives.

Worse than the tequila shot is the martini. In senior citizen lingo it says, “hello, I would like to have two and half shots of alcohol but lets throw in an olive or ice to make me feel classier”.

Tara, our sports bargirl, claims that drinking beer says that your fun and laid back. This suggestion created and uproar amongst other staff member. Beer otherwise seems to be commonly knows as saying, “hello, I’m fat a lazy. I come home from work unbutton my pants and pop open a miller”.

Next there is “the my little pony pink girly drink” which Adam claims just screams, “Hello toilet!” But be not afraid girly juice drinkers, order that booty juice with confidence and hold that flir-tini with your pinky out!

Finally, my drink of choice, wine. Why hasn’t wine been mentioned in this debate? It doesn’t say anything? Does it say I’m classy or snotty, or boring?! These thoughts exasperate me. Well, at least I’m not drinking white zinfandel which says either, “I’m over the age of 75”, or “I can’t even handle real wine.”

So next time you seem to striking out, stop being lazy and switch to a margarita, the frozen concoction that helps Jimmy hang on. Margaritas, the tequila shot language in a bigger glass! Be brave and take a sip of your own concoction. And now a tip from out bartenders and Earnest Hemingway; “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut”

A Glimpse into the drinks of choice at the Bistro By the Sea: See if you can decipherer these messages!

Devyne: Cranberry Juice and Ginger Ale

Karen: Soda water, splash of bitters and lemon, or frozen mudslide made by Ron only

Michelle: Margarita and recently the Pear Martini

Emma: Mojito

Adam: New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc

Albert: Stoli, peach and sprite

Kristen: Raspberry lime Ricky

Katie: Tea

Karleen: Old Fashioned, or a Cosmo

Duane: Bourbon Old Fashion

Kim: New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc or a good margarita, on the rocks, with salt

Ashley: Margarita, or scotch

Karen S: Margarita

Bridget: Cranberry juice with lime on the rocks

Julia: Seltzer with lemon

Ted: Miller Lite

Ron: Guinness

Taavon: Cosmo with a splash of orange juice

Mike: Magic Bus

Pete: UFO with orange

David: Whiskey on the rocks

Me: Pinot Grigio or Sauvignon Blanc

A mid weekend pick-me-up: The best business model.

After going to school for some many years thinking analytically in terms of business models and leadership, I have learned that there is a certain unknown ingredient to successful restaurants or companies like the bistro. I have worked in everything from big companies to sole proprietorships, from Quizno’s to the Bistro. No one can run a business like the Crowe family!

What is it about Duane’s trusting relationships with his staff that makes him such a great boss and motivator? How is it that success seems to be achieved even when he accommodated almost every customer? Duane holds weddings with the more benefits and lower costs than anyone else. How does this happen? I hope that I too one day can mirror the invisible model, which Duane creates holding up an amazing positive atmosphere that makes everyone feel like part of the family.

Working at the Bistro taught me many things and the biggest to think about business more like relationships, and secondly that my professional success does not need to be defined by a 9 to 5 job. The Bistro is such a great place to work because of the relationships. Why does Kim drive up from Jersey to work a part time summer job that is probably not necessary? I think that is a complicated question however I wouldn’t hesitate to say that the relationship she has as part of the staff has some effect on the decision.

In lower level of management, Adam works along side each of our staff members and still instills a sense of all knowing problem solver. Though this is not always the easiest method when solving conflicts, it has created a mood that we are all in it together. Adam’s tough exterior protrudes if he likes you, however it is occasionally shed if you are shedding tears. Even though he doesn’t know what else to do and just desperately tries to make you laugh, his kindness is not unnoticed.

Between Karleen’s sweetness and ability to calm patrons and the rest of the staff’s incredible dynamics, it seems that the bistro has found a super team. I don’t think it’s just by accident. This restaurant has a special magic that I have never seen somewhere else and I think it exists in its employees because of Duane, Karleen and Adam.

Clap if you believe!

Don't you know who I am?

Lifestyles of the rich and famous, oh they are always complaining in Matunuck RI. I’m terribly sorry that you didn’t think that you needed a reservation but I don’t care who you are, you are not getting a table because there aren’t any left!

This is Rhode Island, just because just because my dentist’s neighbor is second cousins with your hairdresser’s son does not make you royalty at this joint. Do I know who you are?...um.. A cranky old senior citizen who will send your cheeseburger back three times before proclaiming who you are one more time?

Case and Point: Tonight, someone waltzed in with no reservations and asking for specific tables. “Nope”, I say, “not tonight I have a table for you in the back room.” As these old folks grumble about the table I notice that they are hovering and not plopping their plump behinds on the seats. Next thing I know Adam tells me they moved because something was blowing on them. (Warning adult content) I’m sorry honey but I don’t think there is any blowing going on anywhere in your life. As I glance back again, they have for a third time moved themselves. Albert, full of curiosity about the disgusted faces I am making, asks who that was. Ashley, quick to jump in exclaims it was the queen of England with her entourage. A few moment’s later, two men walk in and ask if two young ladies, have just come in. I should have said “No sir, but two old ladies did a few minutes ago”. Instead I smiled and showed them to their wives.

So lets clarify, this is not the jersey shore and your trashy behavior is not going to get you what you want. It may get you the table you want, however, it may also get you the honesty that you don’t.

The Full Monty: A three hundred word review.

“Rated R for language and nudity?” of course I am going to attend this musical, it was simply added incentive when one of our own was performing! I can tell why the ladies love this show. Right off the bat they hit you with some dirty dancing by the one and only. While Taavon’s sexual routine would be one to arouse the green monster, Taavon’s character once refers to the fact that he’s taken which oh so humorously parallels real life. After Taavon sets the comic, raw and sexual tone of the play, all of the other characters begin to weave an intricate web of how the Average Joe overcomes the setbacks brought on by the man.

I found this musical particularly attracting to the working class, who are still trying to make ends meet in these tough economic times. After just having started working for the RIFT,Rhode Island Teachers Federation, one of the teachers unions in our state, I found the connection to America’s hard working people a great plot line to evoke emotion.

I felt there were a number of good musical numbers, including Big Ass Rock, Big Black Man and Let it Go. There were also a bunch of fun and funny dance scenes that made you want to get up and dance, or sometimes cringe and look away. I felt that the characters were worthy of empathy even though one of the sub plot lines felt slightly out of place.

All in all, I give The Fully Monty two thumbs ups, a great contemporary musical with the honest, and often blunt plot and jokes needed to capture today’s audience. Butt’s up, one of the funniest plays I have seen in a while, just glad I wasn’t sitting close enough for too good of a view of The Full Monty. Front row, watch out!

Honesty is the best policy?

In the words of Billy Joel: “Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you.”

Fast and friendly have been used to describe service here, but no one ever said the restaurant business was honest. My question tonight is How much of the truth do people really want to hear? From the simplest “hi, how are?” to why two people can’t be in a relationship, one can never tell how much honesty is really ever desired or healthy.

There are some people that can brag about authenticity and genuineness; I feel I am one of those people, I really mean what I say. However, even I, at the restaurant put on a huge grin and pretend to care how good of an evening total strangers have. Though we are not in the theatre, most of the time it does feel like acting.

Your Jokes really aren’t funny, no the bathroom hasn’t moved, no the restaurant has always been this big, and no the men’s room outside isn’t a joke. These are just a few of the punch lines in the comedy that is working at TBTS.

And for your amusement here are some honest tidbits that some of the other staff wishes we could share with our patrons:

(After asking to move tables because of a hearing problem) “Seriously? You think you will be able to hear better two tables and four feet to the left?”

“hello, will you be leaving the same cheap ass tip you usually do or shall I try to woo you with small talk?”

Customer, “Do you make a good martini?”

Bartender, “Honey, a kindergartner could make a good martini, its just cold gin or cold vodka”

Tara, the most honest of us all, “I don’t have time for this”

(After sending back potatoes at least twice) “I hope this is so hot you burn your f-ing dentures off”

“Can I remember all of this? Well I have a masters degree, but I think your four plates of food might push me over the edge”

The kitchen would probably like to say, “if you substitute half of the ingredients, what you ordered is not on the menu!”

So my question to you is, how much honesty is really necessary, is my fake kindness hurting anyone? Stifling the desired to question wardrobes or social habits crippling anyone? Don’t people go to restaurants to hear what that want to hear? If they wanted to hear the truth they could cook it themselves and face the real facts about how many calories are in chocolate chip cookie pie.