Speculations on Storytelling

Our culture was built around storytelling; our history, our destiny has all been built upon the stories we tell. From cave drawings to Native American tales, from Aesop’s fables to religious writings; our lives revolve around these stories. Stories define us. Telling stories has long been recognized as an important part of healing, self-knowledge, and personal and spiritual vehicle for connecting us to other people.

My first goal in relation to storytelling was to experience enough life to be able to have stories; I wanted to be an interesting person first and foremost. Now, I have set a (formally private) goal of writing a story about my experiences before I die. Many people listen to my stories, laugh and say you should write a book. They are probably kidding but it has become a dream of mine.

As I lay awake an hour after I tried to go to bed, I decided to read an article about how the story we tell others about ourselves becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. After being somewhat down on my luck for a little while I realized that the story I tell people does define me. This worried me. Maybe I should reframe my story? I like to retreat when my story is not so happy, I don’t like to answer the question how are you doing and frankly I just don't socialize much.

That being said, let it be known my story is a comedy, sometimes tragic but always funny. It aligns with my philosophy in life, sometimes you just need to laugh at yourself. I am afraid often times people find me to be a serious person. I am focused to the point of recklessness; it sometimes overcrowds my personality. But we need to face the facts, I was fired dressed as a life sized crayon and now I smell like micro waved rice and icy hot. I may make fun of myself quite often but in my story I am the hero. I inspire and encourage, I am the underdog and that’s alright with me.

Speculations on Termination

Synonyms: canned, pink-slipped, shown the door, terminated, let go, downsized, involuntarily separated, terminated, axed, or laid off.

I recently accepted a position as a Program Marketing Assistant at a very small non-profit outside of Boston. I have also recently been terminated from that very same small non-profit. My jubilation of finally being a salaried contributor to the economy lasted a very short three months.

The job was awful but I was naively optimistic because I wanted to believe that I could be a happy working girl, that I could feel like an adult, that I too could move out of my parent’s home. Alas, this was not my fate and though I was miserable, I knew I would grin and bare it until I found a new position.

I was unhappy, not stupid. The search had just begun, I applied to three jobs the week before my termination, but I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. On October 31, I was told I needed to be let go.

Being that it was Halloween, there was a Halloween costume contest for our office of 10 employees that day. I felt pressure to participate because earlier that month, it pointed out to that I was not a team player. There was also a $50 cash prize, and let’s be honest everyone could use a little more cash.

Yes, you know where this is going...I was fired while dressed like a giant crayon. I was “tickled pink” and while I was being told what was happening I couldn’t help but think, wow I am really being fired dressed like a crayon. I wonder if she could still fire me if I was dressed as a giant teddy bear or something with whiskers.

When I was asked into her office to “check in” I grabbed my notebook and didn’t think much of it. My heart of course was pounding, but that was my normal reaction to talking to her. I asked how she was and her response was, “Not good, I have to let you go”. After an awkward pause there were a few other short statements about how she knew I was unhappy there, that my attitude was “toxic” and, that she “bent over backwards to make me happy”.

I was asked if I had anything to say, if I spoke my mind it might have gone something like this.

“uhh, WHAT?! You are firing me because someone told you I was unhappy? When have you bent over backwards for me?! You couldn’t even spell my name right for the first 4 weeks never mind knowing that I may or may not be unhappy with your unethical and possibly illegal accounting demands! You are firing me after I trained my replacement today?! And most importantly, I am dressed as a life-sized crayon….you are really firing me dressed as a life size crayon?!?! My attitude is toxic?! Everyone knows Crayola crayons are NON TOXIC!!!” This is of course what I wish I said, not the professional and reserved few sentences I managed to mumble.

It has been a few months now so that I have had time to digest the fact that I was fired from my first full time job. However, if one more person tells me it is a blessing in disguise I am going to punch them in the face! Even when you hate your job getting fired still stinks.

The comfort I have found in the entire ordeal comes from knowing all of the great successful professionals have at first failed or been fired. If being fired for standing up for what I believe in is what it takes to avoid mediocrity than I guess it’s a price I am prepared to pay.

In our tough economic climate, it's worth reminding ourselves that losing a job may not be the end of the world. Sure, it never feels good, but getting the boot may provide the impetus to reach even greater success. Donald Trump my have patented the line, “You’re Fired” however, not everyone’s termination is TV worthy. Through someone haphazard research, I have learned that getting fired is only a moment in time. It doesn't define who you are, and if you look at getting fired as an opportunity to discover what you truly want to be, do and have in life, then take action towards that goal; getting fired is the best thing that can happen to you! So what? I have some time to reevaluate my goals and career choices; maybe this has even given me a bit more gumption.

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J.K. Rowling: J.K. Rowling lost her job as a secretary because she was caught writing stories when she was supposed to be working. She used her severance to begin the first Harry Potter book.

Bill Gates: Gates didn't seem like a shoe-in for success after dropping out of Harvard and starting a failed first business with Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen called Traf-O-Data. While this early idea didn't work, Gates' later work did, creating the global empire that is Microsoft.

Walt Disney: Disney rakes in billions from merchandise, movies and theme parks around the world, but Walt Disney himself had a bit of a rough start. He was fired by a newspaper editor because, "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." After that, Disney started a number of businesses that didn't last too long and ended with bankruptcy and failure. He kept plugging along, however, and eventually found a recipe for success that worked.

Thomas Edison: In his early years, teachers told Edison he was "too stupid to learn anything." Work was no better, as he was fired from his first two jobs for not being productive enough. Even as an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. Of course, all those unsuccessful attempts finally resulted in the design that worked.

The proceeding information is credited to “November 50 Famously Successful People Who Failed At First 50 Famously Successful People Who Failed At First” http://www.onlinecollege.org/2010/02/16/50-famously-successful-people-who-failed-at-first/

Speculations on Respecting your Elders

The concept of respect is a mutual understanding between two people to exchange kind regards, the age of both parties is irrelevant.

I grew up in a house where because I said so, and because you are a kid was an acceptable explanation. I understood my role as a member of my family and would never have dreamed of talking back to my parents or disrespecting them in any way. I was seen and not heard and I did what I was told. I have been exposed to a set of values which emphasizes respect for everyone including elders. I was taught not to be too loud or too pushy, I was taught to wait my turn and to be patient; and as far as I can tell, other than being a push over I have turned out to be a pretty decent person. I put in my time as a child and after about a quarter of a century I think I have earned a little bit of respect and to be seen as an adult.

From a societal point of view, children are usually taught at an early age to be respectful of elders. This may be attributed to honoring the seniority of the elder’s life experience, their general knowledge, or simply extending the kindness of common decency. In any case, there definitely is a line that cannot be crossed, and when it is crossed it becomes mandatory to cease respect to that particular elder. After last night I am changing my moral standpoint from “respect your elders” to “respect the kind”. I have come to the realization that fools grow old too. I am not sure when age became an acceptable excuse to treat anyone younger than you like a second rate citizen, but at Bistro By the Sea it will no longer be tolerated!

I would love to believe that our elders always have best intentions but that is not always the case. There are certain times when respecting our elders needs to take a back seat. For instance when an elder is verbally abusive, publicly humiliates or chastises another, bullies or intimidates another, or invades another’s personal space, the elder is no longer worthy of respect. Respect is a two-way street!

In the restaurant business everything moves at warp speed. From the kitchen staff to the wait staff, the professionals at Bistro By the Sea know they have a job to do, do well, and do quickly. The nature of the business is not conducive to much chitchat with guests. Another guest needed Karen, one of our more talkative wait staff, during dinner last night. Not wanting to interrupt her conversation with a table, I quietly waited for her in the corner of the room. When it seemed like the conversation was winding down I quietly approached Karen from behind gently touching her arm letting her know I needed to speak to her. When she turned to walk away I very discreetly told her my message. The night carried on. I was distributing a tray full of wine glasses when all of a sudden a rather short man appeared in my face. With a glass of wine in each hand and the biggest grin on my face, I prepared to answer where the men’s room was or field a complaint about the swordfish. I did not however expect what came next; As if in slow motion he took a breath and bellowed, “You will never interrupt me when I am speaking again!” Cornered, the best I could do was lean backwards and apologize. With a little bit of a chuckle due to the absurdity of the situation I said, “I am sorry sir.” Maybe my tone of voice should have shown more regret because he said again, “NO! (Pausing to deny my apology) You will never interrupt me when I am speaking again!”

Infuriated at the way I was spoken to, I picked my jaw up off of the floor and went to find owner, Karleen, who I knew I could rely on for support. Karleen of course demanded I show her who he was so she could go speak to him. Diplomatically Karleen tried to get to the bottom of the situation. The only explanation the man could render was that he was 72 and would not be interrupted. After Karleen said that it was best if he never returned to her restaurant, we found his glasses left behind on the table where he was sitting. Locking the door that night we placed the glasses on the hostess station so they could be seen from the door with a note underneath them that simply read, “KARMA”.

What is the lesson to be learned here you ask?

1. Giving respect to somebody merely on the basis of his or her age is rather arbitrary and, well, somewhat idiotic. It’s time to come up with a new system on judging the respectability of individuals.

2. Appreciate the people who stand up for you.

3. Don’t forget, karma, it’s a bitch when you are!

Speculations on PC, An Inquiry into the Roots of Political Correctness

Each evening as I try and convince customers to come back to the late night cabaret, I always tack on a joking for a warning. “Oh, it’s a great time; very funny, a little risqué.” In translation, that means if you’re up to being berated by our drag queen cabaret host, it’s a great time. Yes that’s right, at a towering height of 6 foot something the fabulous and talented Sabrina Blaze, sing, jokes and dances, in an attempt to seemingly make the most amount of people uncomfortable as humanly possible.

For me, one of the most entertaining parts of my job is watching people’s reactions to Sabrina and our cabaret. It almost becomes a hobby for me to make people struggle as they try and figure out the most politically correct way to ask me their questions. Folks will come to the door and ask, “Is uhh the uhhh same uhh person gonna be in the cabaret tonight?” or sometimes they can’t figure out what to call Sabrina Blaze, “Is uhhh the same man uhh I mean woman uhh, whatever it is, going to be at cabaret tonight?”

Some reactions are priceless, shaking their head they tell me it’s a shame or it’s repulsive and ask when it will be normal again. Excuse me?! This is Theatre by the Sea when was it ever normal? The actors were singing songs like Old McDonalds’ farm for mentally challenged animals long before we decided to invite a drag queen. My only response for these folks is to shrug and say, “you know sometimes we just need to mix things up a bit”.

This of course got me speculating about political correctness, what is the correct term for Sabrina Blaze and why is everyone so caught up on the drag queen? These days people are either people are too worried about being politically correct to see the point or they couldn’t care less how offensive they are. The greatest thing about drag queens is that anything goes with them! Drag queens are never politically correct. That's what makes them so funny, so outrageous, and so wonderful. Sometimes the Bistro feels more like Dick’s Last Resort than Theatre by the Sea; but seriously folks take that stick out of your butt, relax a little, maybe you will surprise yourself and actually have a good time. It doesn’t matter if someone is gay or straight, dressed up as a girl or not, it doesn’t matter where you sit or who your server is, you’re supposed to be enjoying yourself. Life is too short to be concerned about a few swear words or a man dressed as a women. What is being politely correct anyway? Maybe life should be a little bit more like cabaret; honest.

So as Sabrina always says, “If you had a good time tonight I want you to go out and tell all of your friends about it and if you didn’t, keep your F@#$-ing mouth shut”

Late Night Cabaret at Bistro By the Sea with Special Guest Sabrina Blaze

Appetizers, Drinks and Desserts Available

$7 Cover Charge

365 Cards Pond Road

Matunuck RI 02879

Fridays and Saturdays: Starts around 10:30-11 pm

Sundays: Starts around 7

Call 401-789-3030 for reservations

Finding Your Inner Laugh

It is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring, at least that is my philosophy when it comes to dancing. Sometimes you just need to own your own ability to entertain. I have read that the average pre-school child in the United States laughs about 400 times a day. By the time you are an adult, the average laughs-per-diem has shrunk to less than 15. We have gotten so caught up in the seriousness and heaviness of our own problems that we have lost the ability to find humor in every day life.

When was the last time you laughed so hard that your ab workout was done for the day? If you can’t remember, I recommend reevaluating your laugh quotient. As a society, we are way too serious. We take everything so seriously, especially ourselves. But don’t worry The Bistro By the Sea staff is happy to provide a solution to all this ridiculous seriousness by “finding your inner laugh” for free at our after hours power outage special.

As customers trickled out of the restaurant on Tuesday evening our staff waited for the power to come back on after a storm in order to process the credit card payments and wash the dishes. As we all sat around the restaurant strange things began to happen.

I have often wondered what makes this restaurant so very different than others, until this week I was never able to put my finger on it. Our inner laugh session made it crystal clear to me. It is truly a unique feeling to sit in a room filled entirely with people who work together and still enjoy each others company. From ages 53 to 15, it’s amazing that we are all able to get along so well.

Out of the corner of my eye I notice Natalie, the most rambunctious of the bussers, seemingly start to tackle some of the other bus kids. “What is going on?, I thought. Soon half of the staff is on the floor laughing. They claim they are “finding their inner laugh”. The instructions are to cross your arms and lye flat on the floor. Loudly say ha, ha. Ha, ha repeatedly as someone presses your arms into your sternum. Progressively the victim beings laughing uncontrollably and the rest of the crowd follows. I really don’t know what they are teaching kids in High School these days but apparently finding your inner laugh is one of them. Soon almost all of the staff has taken a turn on the floor when all of a sudden some customers who have been sitting in the back room emerge. At first there are some strange looks given as they walk through the now mine field of laughing bodies strewn on the floor.

This is when the unexpected happens, one of the costumers wants to join in. Duane, owner, laugh master, and comedian, jokingly exclaims, “Wait at minute! Let me call me insurance company.” Somewhat reluctantly Devynne, bus girl, volleyball all-star, and sweetest girl you will ever meet, finds this strangers “inner laugh”. Before I know it Devynne is on the floor in an elaborate straddle with the customer above her exclaiming, “who’s laughing now, who’s laughing now?!” And what is the outcome of all of this? Naturally, the entire bistro staff will now be participating in group yoga with this crazy customer.

After this night I realized that I could not love my friends at the Bistro any more than I already do. Just as they remind me to laugh everyday, I would like to remind you. Who wants to go through life grim, sour and unhappy, anyway? Some of the excellent reasons to add laughter to your life are the following; it reduces stress, boosts heart health, relives pain naturally, strengthens the immune system, controls blood sugar, improves emotional health, increases creativity, improves problem solving capabilities, improves sleep and it just feels good!

Where did our inner laugh go? Where can it be found? Whatever the answers to those questions are, don’t forget that practice makes perfect. Stop taking yourself so seriously, see a funny movie, read the comics, laugh at yourself, or you can just come visit us as the Bistro by the Sea!

Speculations on Sass

It may come as a shock to you but working in the service industry means that you must deal with customers who are not always so considerate. Perhaps you have a customer who has melodramatic hissy fits because they did not get a seat by the window, or perhaps they snap their fingers at you, command you like a dog, or worst of all, perhaps they leer at you or even touch you like the kind of superbly disgusting sex predator that avoids arrest by dressing as an innocent old man. While at the restaurant and most of the time in my life I am able to keep calm and carry on because of my extreme patience and go with the flow mentality. But sometimes, every now and then, steam shoots out of my ears and on the verge of tears, I’ll contemplate punching someone in the face.

Karleen, boss, owner of the restaurant, and role model, is as tough as nails while somehow still maintaining a sweet and charming personality. Most recently Karleen declared that she thought I needed more spunk in order to achieve my life goals. In almost every aspect of my life I have decided that she is probably right, but how do I walk that fine line between being sassy and being a bitch? What is the difference between bold and inappropriately forward?

Today I stumbled upon a recipe book called “100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know: Engagement Chicken and 99 Other Fabulous Dishes to Get You Everything You Want in Life.” I am not quite in need of an engagement chicken yet but what I want in life is to get what I want in life and first on my list is a permanent fulltime career. Of course the discovery of this recipe book started the speculation wheels turning; maybe what I need is a recipe for a Sassy Sauté or a Spunky Stromboli. It's clear that whatever kind of gumption I am able to cook up in this pressure cooker of life defiantly needs to taste a little tart!

Homemade Sass

1 cup of childlike enthusiasm

3 tablespoons of confidence

1 tablespoon of contact sport (to build aggression)

The bushel of lemons life handed you

½ cup of wit

¼ cup of not giving a damn

1 jar of moderation and proper timing

1 pinch of Gumption

I hope this recipe can cook up a much needed attitude adjustment for fellow my doormat friends. It’s all about the attitude and like those tee shirts my soccer coach made in high school said, "I refuse to loose". After 3 months of free labor I demand an interview! After two years in a relationship I refuse to be broken up with in a text message! After 3 interviews I deserve a call back! Because I respect you I deserve your respect! We’ve all had moments where we’ve failed to speak up for ourselves, said yes when we really wanted to say no, or allowed someone to walk all over our feelings without making a peep. Well no more! I am having an attitude adjustment and I am not putting up with this crap anymore!

Speculations on Crazy Cat Ladies

Of the questions that perplex humanity some will go unanswered and plague us forever, while still others are mundane, yet persistent. What is the meaning of life? Where is Osama bin Laden? Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs? How fast exactly do hotcakes sell? And who is more annoying cat people or dog people?

After a number of restaurant staff agree that I was a cat person I set out to explore our crazy cat lady stigma and found that as you may know, these arguments are particularly boring. Through no choice of your own, you have heard them far too many times. They crop up around a dinner table or at a cocktail party, and then the evening goes into a precipitous decline.

Cat people heap contempt on dog people for thinking a dog's devotion counts for much. A dog's love for its owner is, cat people say, is entirely instinctual and indiscriminate; you are not loved for yourself -- anyone else would do as well. However, this argument does not amuse me; I feel the real question at hand is what is the difference between cat and dog people? What makes Cat Ladies crazy and am I really a crazy cat lady? All signs point to yes but the crazy to cat ratio is about 99 to 1.

Both cats and dogs have brought us great joy in our culture; cats cradle, hotdogs, Garfield, Lassie, the expression ‘its raining cats and dogs’. When did everything start going downhill? It’s just a fact that cats are much easier to hate. In one study I found via Google (which may or may not be factual) it is said that “Fifteen percent of the adults questioned said they disliked cats a lot while the number who said they disliked dogs a lot was only two percent.” Personally I find it very easy to hate cats. They are mean, plain and simple! And why do they always look like they are plotting to kill you?

Someone, somewhere, summarized their results by saying, "There is a widely held cultural belief that the pet species -- dog or cat -- with which a person has the strongest affinity says something about the individual's personality. Just on the basis of the nature of dogs being more sociable than cats, one might expect that the personalities of dog lovers would also reflect higher sociability.”

In comparison cat people were generally about 12 percent more neurotic. It was also said that cat owners were one third more likely to live alone than dog owners and twice as likely to live in an apartment or flat. Being married, living in a house, and having children living in the home, are all factors that are more likely for dog owners than cat owners. A single woman was the most likely individual to have a cat!

So what makes a crazy cat lady and how do I avoid this? Even the Simpsons have a reoccurring Crazy Cat Lady with the appearance and behavior of a stereotypical mentally ill person. No one wants to end up like Eddie on Grey gardens. However, reflecting on it now apparently everyone thinks I am a cat lady. My grandmother always bought me Christmas ornaments of girls holding cats, I have been given a “crazy cat lady” action figure not once but twice, and now as I glance around my room I can see a birthday card from my Aunt with a cat wrapped In Mardi Gras beads; written inside “Ok, had to do the cat! Couldn’t resist” Perhaps its my neuroticism, or perhaps no one has faith that I can find a significant other that will put up with me. But whatever it is, cat lovers, I am afraid you cannot reclaim the term cat lady; I recommend you give up!